Ikbal.

Just Ikbal.

All my life, I've been waiting for something solid to hold on to. Something that I'll enjoy doing for the next few decades. Something that I am very sure of. Someone that I can rely on. I've been waiting for that perpetual jubilation to find it's way out to me. I'm sure it's locked somewhere and waiting to be extricated. And I'm positive it's imminent, it'll happen.

Sad.

And then I thought, maybe I am better off alone. Because I keep on hurting everyone around me. But that would be unfair because no one realized how much I have bruised inside. What choice do I have? We were born to please others isn't it? And I shall do that.

School.

I came across a quote; maturity is not when we start speaking big things, but it is when we understand small things. How many of you agree that age doesn't define maturity? And what does it take for someone to have that special kind of manner that makes them think and behave so appropriately? Anyone, at any age reaches maturity when the time comes. A turning point. I spent at least 8 hours, 5 days a week at school, I hear different stories from each of my kids. I observe them, I "read" them and I was touched by some of them. They are unique in their own ways. Each of them is different, and the way they think or solve problems differ from one another. As a teacher, having a class with multiple intelligences is like solving a never ending puzzle. Very exciting but definitely the bane. Some days are slow and boring but some days are vice versa. And some days are so delightful, it gladdens your heart. Ahhh, the whole enchilada, you get what I mean.

I have never actually done this before; asking people to consider teaching. I believe that entering into the profession should come out of your own will. I may not have as much experience as the veteran teachers but what I assure you is that, everyone can teach or should teach but not everyone can be a teacher. What I meant was, it's okay if you can't teach them the subjects in schools but there is still part of you that can teach a kid something. For example, mannerisms, road signs, parts of a car maybe, simple math and a few other things. Teach them something that they won't forget or things that they do not learn from school. I mean, teach them something proper. Trust me, they'd thank you more than they would thank the teachers in school. What's the harm? You were once a kid too. And my eyes are half closed, I'm pretty sure there's a Grammar Nazi somewhere correcting.....zzzzz.

True Horror

The most terrifying thing that has ever happened to me is falling in love. I’ve heard all the songs, seen all the movies, and read all the books that proclaim love to be the most cherished; emotion, idea, object in the universe. In these poor representations of love you get to see it all, including the minor heartbreak that is eventually resolved…or not. I don’t believe people will ever understand how vulnerable love makes you feel until you are truly in love. You go into a relationship knowing full and well that at any moment this person who you are bat-shit crazy about can destroy your life, change who you are, and kill your belief in happiness. Dramatic, right? No. 

This feeling of utter euphoria always has the dull lead lining of the possibility of complete heartbreak. If you don’t see this as a possibility, well hell, maybe you aren’t a terrible cynic like me. But whether you can anticipate it or not… nothing will ever prepare you for how broken you will feel. Knowing the person you love and wanted to spend your life with is going to part ways from you and you can’t change it. Thinking about this all scares the shit out of me. It’s why I’ve never truly loved. It is also why now, while I am in love, cannot allow myself to fully let myself be all in it. Love is too terrifying. It is more frightening than anything I have ever experienced. I have yet to experience true heartbreak and if I never do, I will consider myself richer than any man or woman. I am in love and I am terrified. 

Re-blogged from somewhere. And I have to agree with it. Love is actually painful if you mishandle it.

Inbox.

Hey, I have to say this but don't judge me cause really, I hate being an officious person. This is my observation, I do feel sometimes you punish yourself because of the past which I have zero idea what's in your mind, maybe I added you cause god wants me to be the middle person to pass you this message, I don't know, haha. And sometimes I feel like you are holding something heavy on your chest, no matter what Mawar, good things will come slowly, god is fair/almighty..with your love life, I can't say anything. So as for babies they have to crawl before eventually they start walking, so are we..which in life we have to solve problems, and we live to solve problems, the coward will run.. and look at yourself, a teacher and that's nobility, in fact if the kids understands what you are teaching/telling, it's a bonus to you and those little rascals and Islam already mentioned 'ilmu yang ditinggalkan'.. so be proud and which I'm not saying you are not, this is just a saying from me, I'm no one, a stranger that wants to help.

I was speechless when I read this, I count it as an act of care though it is from someone I barely know. In fact, it opened my eyes. I haven't been enjoying myself since I started working. I did have fun but it doesn't last long. Sometimes I ask myself, am I teaching the kids for the love of the profession or for the sake of filling my pocket? I don't know. I wanna start fresh tomorrow, be more lively and start sorting out what my priorities are (I should have done that ages ago).

Beautiful.

 Will you still love if I am no longer young and beautiful?

I've seen the world

Done it all, had my cake now

Diamonds, brilliant, and Bel-Air now

Hot summer nights mid July

When you and I were forever wild

The crazy days, the city lights

The way you'd play with me like a child

Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful

Will you still love me when I got nothing but my aching soul

I know you will, I know you will

I know that you will

Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful

I've seen the world, lit it up as my stage now

Channeling angels in, the new age now

Hot summer days, rock and roll

The way you'd play for me at your show

And all the ways I got to know

Your pretty face and electric soul

Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful

Will you still love me when I got nothing but my aching soul

I know you will, I know you will

I know that you will

Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful

Dear lord when I get to heaven

Please let me bring my man

When he comes tell me that you'll let me

Father tell me if you can

Oh that grace, oh that body

Oh that face makes me wanna party

He's my sun, he makes shine like diamonds

Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful

Will you still love me when I got nothing but my aching soul

I know you will, I know you will

I know that you will

Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful

Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful

Will you still love me when I'm not young and beautiful

Next week will be the second week of my career. My teaching career. It takes nearly half a year after a lot of doubt and uncertainty. But also so much motivation and drive. I was jobless for half a year, I felt really hopeless back then. And good things come to those who wait, isn't it true, but it takes hard work too. You can't expect things to magically happen if you just sit back and relax. I got rejected by a few companies and luck was on my side this time. I spent the night before crying because I was unsure of myself. I wasn't sure if I can nail this. It was a part of me hesitating whether I should accept the challenge or just walk away, running my life like I used to. Then I thought that; in order to keep forward is to grab anything that's in front of your eyes. Any chances or opportunities. I am not an under achiever. And I shall not be one. Opportunities doesn't come often. So why waste it?

I feel really unstimulated. I feel that my brain isn't functioning the way it should be. Being at home isn't mentally challenging at all and obviously it isn't interesting enough. I am completely zombified. That's the best word to use. I do not have enough interesting content in my life to discuss much of anything interesting. My life was plain.

Life is pretty much interesting now, though I am not used to waking up early in the morning at 6. But I can finally use my brain after so long. I hibernated for too long. The first week was really tiring and stressful. Who knows handling kids can be a pain in the ass. But despite that, they gave me joy as well. It was such a wonderful feeling to get something in return when you teach them. You know you're a proud teacher when your students understand what you are trying to teach, such a relief! I could not be happier. If you love what you're doing, don't worry, you're blessed.

I have never thought about getting into this profession, I hated school back then, I skipped classes and I never finished my homework etcetera. But look at me now, I think no teachers would believe this! Thank you mother for motivating me. Always be thankful. Always.

You know what is better than life? Death. Sometimes, I think that death is more beautiful than life. That's how the illustrator and movie directors picture it. But why? I don't know. Death here doesn't mean having yourself buried 7 feet below, but in terms of emotions. It left me wondering, how can a beautiful soul becomes so monstrous. It's conflicting. My soul is dead, it has been for a while now. I have died for a thousand times, but every time I "reincarnate", why am I still the same person, I am rotten inside.

 I want to renew myself. The question is, how do you put yourself together when everyone around you seems to go anti-clockwise? The question is apparently written all over my face. Now, my heart is telling me that the world is against me. Conflict of the heart and mind. The only good thing that keeps me attached is my kids in school. Those pure and innocent hearts. Hmm. Alter-ego. Split personality. I should say to myself. Do you know why? Being at school with the kids; brings me peace, makes me feel welcomed. It feels like I am glowing with a halo on top, sort of. Then it all change after working hours. I'm a different person after 4. I don't even know what's happening to me.

They said, when you have lost your way, God will be there to help you. It's like a default advice when no words can comfort you, isn't it? I bet it is the safest advice someone can give when they don't know how to make you feel better. Common sense are very rare now, it is still out there but almost vanished. I have always encouraged my students to think rationally, and I am allergic towards people who blame other people for a reason which they both know that is irrelevant. Always point to yourself back. Giving advices are as easy as falling asleep, but it is as hard as to keep up with Math, (I hate Math).

It is always best to depend on yourself solely because at the end you don't have to thank anyone but you. It may sound a little self centered. Once, I surrounded myself with a bunch of selfish bastards which I thought they were my friends. But I was half correct, they were my passing friends. Friends I picked up during the 2 years in college. Everyone befriended someone for a reason back then. However, I am just trying to write something, just to spill everything out from this heavy chest. Today was a long day, it was one of the days that I wish to erase. I am now picking the bits of myself left on the ground and trying to make them coalesced into one. 

Never go overboard when you praise someone. You'll be pretty disappointed at the end.

There is a difference.

Do you know that feeling when you realized that you can never be good enough for someone? I felt devastated when I came to think about it. It's like everything you did was pointless no matter how hard you tried, you always came back to being let down, again. I tried to be optimistic, but these negatives vibes are  building up a thick wall inside. How to get rid of this feeling?

It is actually a good thing to remind yourself of who you want to be. There's a saying, "Be the type of person you want to meet". Can't you see it? I'll leave that for you think. The rules of life are very simple. Basically it is karma, and maybe karma is hitting on me since the very beginning but I was too blind to realize. If today wasn't a good day, there is still light at the end of everything. Everyone has their own principles slash philosophy, the way they view life differs from one another. Different people means different perspective. And for me, I strongly believe that; what came out from your mouth, proceeds from the heart. Kalau solat 5 waktu satu hari, but still your are defiled by the words you say, dayyum. I don't know where you did wrong. I am not a saint nor pious. I make mistakes everyday, but life is too short to wake up with regrets.

I hate finding faults, cause it is clearly stated that to be happy and find inner peace is you have to let go of all the grudges you've been holding inside. I think it's eating me back slowly. I have always been quiet and this emo blog of mine is the only place where I can say anything I want, and if I get judgments from what I said, then I am truly sorry for you. Have you tried expressing yourself? And when you do, please do tell me how it feels like. It feels like you've just lifted one hundred kilos of weight from your shoulders. No one likes extra complications.

Egoism or in a simpler term; selfishness, it runs in the blood. Though it depends solely on individuals but I think if you've been raised with a surrounding like that, eventually you'll get used to living on your own, not caring about others. I am not a little kid anymore, I understand sarcasm and the message behind it. Growing up to different surroundings from time to time opens up my mind, I have my own point of view about everything. And to force someone like me to do something that I know I won't pour my heart doing it, is unfair. Lopsided. Do you think it's reasonable to do that? Anyhow, being pessimistic isn't going to make things better. Life as you know it, a vicious cycle. It's inevitable.

Sweet.

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you.

When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful.

There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever.

Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby.

Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible.

You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

Bob Marley

Twisted. Tangled.

 

"Optimism? No, none. I only want to express the black part of me, the part of me that's twisted. When something is fun, it's fun for only that moment, right. But the bad things, the pain, we bring with us for days. And depending on how deep the wound, we might not be able to forget for a year or two. First off, its impossible for anyone to sustain fun for two years. In short, I have no interest in expressing the ethereal."

— Kyo (Dir en grey)

I have always wondered how it's like to always have a pocket full of dough. Will it bring me happiness?  Money can't buy happiness, that's what they said. Come on, it's bullshit. We're a decade past millennium, things have changed. But sometimes, it is not lavish that we want, but we long for something that of course, money cannot buy. If you can purchase love and peace, I'm sure the world would be a better place. Wouldn't it?

Never depend on something to make you happy but instead, be that something and make yourself happy. Happiness is contagious. Unless you're a motherfucker.

I was a bit productive today. A. Bit.
And I have a lot of questions in my mind.
I don't know which to talk about.
Maybe, you.

I wonder how much I mean to you. Maybe I shouldn't be doubtful because I know I am worth it, but I can't help but think about it. Do you love me for who I am? Do you just fall in love with me when you first saw me? Or do you actually fall in love with the small details that I don't even realize? Things that happened in the past annihilated me, I am not the person who I used to be. All the bruises and scars grew and no one was trapped inside but me, trapped inside this self-made cage of a black past. That is where I've been residing. How melancholic. Who I was doesn't matter anymore, I am proud of what I have become now.

I gave up on love once and thought about turning homo. But no, what the actual fuck. Thank God, I managed to put some sense on my mind. 

I have grown, and it is sad to stomach that I am ** years old this year. I have grown to an age where right at this point, I am starting to have a different perspective towards everything. I want to keep on challenging my mind. I always do. There is only one thing that is constant; CHANGE. People change. Everything goes into a different direction after some time, nothing stays the same. It resembles our heartbeat; up, down and it goes flat for eternity. Sedih.

And maybe one day, you're not mine anymore.

Do I have to elaborate? I don't think so.
Because,

I love you.

And I don't wanna talk about losing you.

I am on my bed, staring at the empty wall on the other side of the room every now and then. Wondering what to write this time. Promised that I'd write something worth reading to myself. Sigh. My mind is empty, and I paused for every single word I typed. Then I wonder how peculiar can life be, so full off odd moments and it's nothing like a white canvas.

Sometimes, it is better to just isolate from everything else, leave everything behind and just let your own shadow be your companion, but as it gets darker, even your shadow leaves you. What do you do? So the option is to depend on yourself. As much as I hate depending on others, that's how much I long to lean on someone's shoulder and let myself drown in the comfort of feeling safe and secure. Nothing can beat that. Good companion. Everyone needs someone special in their life, it's a matter of finding the right one or getting your heart crushed. Whatever it is, the journey of love always gets us tangled in situations that we can't foretell.

I find that choosing the right clique can be a life savior, it is very important because it moulds you into who you are as a person. You keep on wondering how to get a better life but look at you, smoking pot all day long, get high in the smokes, wandering around floating in the world of fantasy. You keep on wondering how to be better in life but all you did was drinking all night long, getting hammered every single night. Waking up with a bad hangover. You keep on wondering how to be a better person, but who do you surround yourself with? 

These kinds of statements made me wonder. Time for a reality check. Who do I surround myself with?

Introvert.

Freedom. 

I was actually a bit productive today and I shall go mad through lack of sleep because I slept pretty late last night and having to wake up early in the morning. So today I've made a conclusion. A distinct one. I've said it many times in the previous posts, but now I feel like emphasizing it again, I want to remind you again. Just a friendly reminder. Those who are happy doesn't depend on anything or anyone to make them happy but instead they are thankful for everything they have. Typing that, makes me happy.

The simple things in life can be enjoyed if you just take the time to feel it from your soul, not just from your bare eyes. Stop locking yourself. Maybe happiness is too subjective. I somehow forgot how to unfold my feelings, I always have this sudden urge to write but then it started to become horizontal, so flat like I don't know where this would go so I just have to follow the flow and see where this heads to. I miss that feeling when you know exactly what you want to say and you just keep on typing unfolding feelings and turn them into words. Such a relief. But I forgot how to do that. Maybe I don't see things in a different perspective anymore, maybe I am buried deep in the ground, digesting the dirt that the world has given me. Literally. Or maybe I am loss for words like I always do.

Another pointless post but actually what do you really think when you read this blog? We cannot run away from judgments, that's reality, one thing that we cannot avoid. Maybe I am afraid of the judgments that I may receive for what I write. Probably that's why I don't go around promoting this emo-blog of mine. I may not have the most welcoming, angelic face in the whole wide world but there is a high chance that you will get to know me more if you just scroll down, reading lines by lines.

I have become an introvert. I only talk when I want to; I talk about the things that intrigues me, something that I am interested in. I have become so overly attached with my cocoon, so comfortable in my own comfort zone. But despite that, I am absolutely comfortable being "shy" if you think I am. All I need is a reason to interact, that's it. I have a weakness. Do you know what it is? It is honesty. I just don't give two shits about what you think. Haha. Apologies. I hope I can say that to someone, but I can't. But don't get me wrong, I can be bubbly too, that's another side of me, which not everyone has the chance to see. Because I only value those who are close to me. I can say that I'm a good listener too because I expect people to treat me the same. But one of these days, I at times wish someone would care enough to take the risk of knowing me a little deeper beneath my outer surface. Then I figure, introverts are very much like caterpillars, so dull, monotonous, prosaic whatever you call it. But once you get to know them stage by stage, you'll realize how beautiful they are, just like butterflies. Perasan.

Turning 21 seems to be the biggest deal of someone's life. I couldn't be more excited than this. "This" refers to the feeling of literally achieving "freedom" and the chance of making decisions on your own. Well, I am still living with my parents, that doesn't make that much of a difference. The truth is, I am upset to face the reality. I am officially 21, old enough to not achieve anything spectacular. 2013 would obviously make me 22 (based on the year I was born in) and my glorious 21 lasts for about a month. It's a small deal but somehow I feel like shit yo! Is it because I'm growing old and yet, I haven't decided what I'm gonna do with my life OR I'm just too afraid to know what's gonna happen to me in the future. Overthinking is my favorite thing to do.

Well, I know we are supposed to make the best of the present but I don't think it is wrong to worry about the future ahead of us. I know a quote, "If you're depressed, then you're living in the past. If you're happy, you're living in the present. If you're anxious, you're living in the future" Do you agree? I would have to agree with it, because it's simply the truth. If life gives you shit, then you gotta make use of it, the best possible way! I am happy with who I am now. But not that excited about what I'll possibly be in 20 years or 30. Or even 5 years. But the future is not here yet, so why am I getting myself effed up? I am sorry, but this is how I motivate myself. Work hard and soon, all good things will be yours. I demand for a new Zen book for my birthday, anyone? Please?

How I spent my 21st birthday was not bad at all. I had dinner with my close friends and also had a birthday shout out from everyone, more to a surprise. Not gonna tell you the whole story, to make it short, I had fun! Thank you all for caring. Birthday presents are not that important, I can indulge myself with presents anytime I want! What matters the most is the effort. Without effort, nothing would work or could have worked.

Whatever it is, being 21 is actually a new chapter for me. A new starting point. I want to do something good for myself, I want to always be happy and also make others happy. You know you can't always live up to everyone's expectations but you can always live up to your own expectations. Do whatever that you're good at, make the best of it (stealing, killing etc doesn't count). If you don't know what are your capabalities, start imagining what would your life be like in 20 years. It should motivate you. Look at your surroundings, do you wanna be like them? Yes or no, you gotta work for it. Lead your life.

Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up the pain and makes you feel okay again. 

I haven't been posting much about my daily routines now because I find it pointless to write something that I already know nobody gives a shit about it. But however, I woke up with a bit of cold this morning. I am ill with all the worry, too weak to write much and nobody has noticed I haven't eaten for two days. Today was the most terrible day of 2013. Every single one in the family got affected by PMS sort of. And my father is in a bad mood, as usual. Probably because of his health condition but all is well. I guess Mondays will always suck. As for me, got myself into a little fight with my niece, she aimed her bottle straight to my face, resulting in bodily injury, tragic I tell you. Just a bruised forehead. Chill.

There are so many things happening right now. I don't know how am I supposed to keep track of everything but insyaAllah, everything will be fine. I don't want to dream anymore, I don't want to imagine things in my head. But things don't just magically happen if you don't start from scratch. Right?

Soul. Mate.

Can I ask you something? Why is it every time we say goodnight, it feels like goodbye? Is it because of we enjoyed talking to that particular person and at one point, we find it hard to let them go? Or is it because we love their companion? No ones knows the exact answer, but I can only be sure of one thing, you probably have fallen in love with that person. We've been living for decades or at least 2 decades now, falling in and out of love has been something really normal for us. Some got friendzoned, some got their asses dumped, some even cheated, and despite all that, there is still someone out there who caters all you need, understands what you truly feel and having that mutual feeling with your partner is one thing you should treasure. 

Not everyone can cherish what they have, not until they've lost all the goods things in front of em. Changing partners seems to be in trend at one point, it's like fashion. But once you grow older, love has gotten much more deeper. There is no time to fool around because you know how it feels like to have your heart broken. It hurts isn't it when someone you adored, stabbed you right in the heart. How mean, but you are still longing to be loved.

This is probably a pointless post, but somehow, I have never felt so surreal, everything is beautiful. It's like I am putting my steps on the ground for the very first time. Perhaps because I see the goods in people instead of the negatives. Though sometimes the demons come out to play and project my darker side, that's why for every sin you did, cover it up with a good deed. Not a very good advice I guess?  Appreciate the ones you love. And thank God.

Date a girl who reads.

 

End of month picture.

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilightseries.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes. 

Reblogged from;
Heaven, hell, and mademoiselle.: Date a girl who reads.

Taubat.

Perhaps it is time for a self reflection.

You know, I have always wondered, kenapa rezeki susah sangat nak masuk? Am I not doing it right? Am I not in the right path? There are a lot of imperfections in my life. I am turning 22 this year, nothing has really changed. But maybe at one point in the future, I'd look back and see how things have changed. I encourage myself to always be positive and be confident in whatever I do. But I guess things have been going downwards. I am downgrading, that's how I feel lately.

Pathetic. I can't be that bad, maybe I just need to get out of my comfort zone and see what the world has to offer. A LOT. I know. Then I started to wonder, mungkin kita rasa tak tenteram because of kita tak ingat Tuhan. Atau mungkin sebab kita belum lagi nak rasa kesal of what we did in the past. Mungkin hidup ni rasa macam ada yang kurang sebab we haven't apologized to those yang kita dah lukakan. Those are the possibilities. I am not an expert on religious matters. I am far away from being pious. But those are the things I wonder alone at night.

Find God, and you'll find your way.

Maybe That's Why

 I love you.

A Hindu saint who was visiting river Ganges to take bath found a group of family members on the banks, shouting in anger at each other. He turned to his disciples smiled 'n asked.

"Why do people shout in anger shout at each other?"

Disciples thought for a while, one of them said, "Because we lose our calm, we shout."

"But, why should you shout when the other person is just next to you? You can as well tell him what you have to say in a soft manner." asked the saint

Disciples gave some other answers but none satisfied the other disciples. Finally the saint explained,

"When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other to cover that great distance. 

What happens when two people fall in love? They don't shout at each other but talk softly, Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is either nonexistent or very small..."

The saint continued, "When they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak, only whisper 'n they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other 'n that's all. That is how close two people are when they love each other."

He looked at his disciples and said.

"So when you argue do not let your hearts get distant, do not say words that distance each other more, Or else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return."

Read This.

 Nieces, Nayli and Israa. Mind the pose.

I haven't been posting much about what's new with my life. In fact I've never felt like writing about it. But somehow today I felt like doing so. I mean, someone out there must be waiting for "this". Pathetic laughs. This would be a typical blogger post. It's 19 minutes past 1 now, my eyes are begging for mercy. I probably should prepare myself for the 8-short-hours of journey to the world of fantasy. But I have promised myself to finish this post because I left it halfway, for a dinner with friends.

I was happy for a moment. But then I started to question myself. Why is it so hard for me to adapt with new surroundings? Why is it so hard for me to fit in? Why does it even matter to fit in the crowd? Those are some of the questions I kept on asking to myself, but I am hopeless. Alone I wonder. Have you ever felt like you don't belong anywhere? I am still the same old me, very bad at keeping in touch. Maybe I should just admit that I have poor communication skills and that means I have to re-do my resume. How ironic. Resumes are bullshit. However, that is not the point. Totally off the topic.

Life is actually pretty good for me now. There is no need to feel morose, it is completely unnecessary because everything happens for a reason. I am still in the journey of finding myself, I believe that the path I'm taking now is leading me to the greater things in life. Open your eyes and see the beauty in life, pay attention to the small details in life, and you'll feel blessed. I have always wondered why is everything so stale and boring. Then I realized that I've been doing the same damn routine for the past few months. Change is good, it reminds me of a reincarnation somehow. Like I told you before, change is bound to happen. You'll never realize that things around you are changing but then when you look back, everything is different. Isn't it?

Be kind to yourself. Stop telling yourself that whatever you are struggling with “should” be easy. If something is hard for you, it is hard for you. There are probably Reasons, though those may just be how you are wired. Acknowledge these things. When you finish something hard, be proud! Celebrate a little. And really, just stop saying “should” to yourself about your thoughts and feelings in any context. You feel how you feel. The things in your head are the things in your head. You can’t change either directly through sheer force of will. You can only change what you do. Stop beating yourself up for who and what you are right now–it isn’t productive. Focus on moving forward.

The Greatest Speech Ever Made

Charlie Chaplin. Inspiration.

“We want to live by each others’ happiness, not by each other’s misery.”

I’m sorry but I don’t want to be an emperor. That’s not my business. I don’t want to rule or conquer anyone. I should like to help everyone if possible; Jew, Gentile, black men, white. We all want to help one another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by each others’ happiness, not by each other’s misery. We don’t want to hate and despise one another. In this world there is room for everyone. And the good earth is rich and can provide for everyone. The way of life can be free and beautiful, but we have lost the way.

Greed has poisoned mens' souls; has barricaded the world with hate; has goose-stepped us into misery and bloodshed. We have developed speed, but we have shut ourselves in. Machinery that gives abundance has left us in want. Our knowledge as made us cynical; our cleverness, hard and unkind. We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery we need humanity. More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness. Without these qualities, life will be violent and all will be lost. The aeroplane and the radio have brought us closer together. The very nature of these inventions cries out for the goodness in man; cries out for universal brotherhood; for the unity of us all.

Even now my voice is reaching millions throughout the world, millions of despairing men, women, and little children, victims of a system that makes men torture and imprison innocent people. To those who can hear me, I say “Do not despair.” The misery that is now upon us is but the passing of greed, the bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress. The hate of men will pass, and dictators die, and the power they took from the people will return to the people. And so long as men die, liberty will never perish.

Soldiers! Don’t give yourselves to brutes, men who despise you and enslave you; who regiment your lives, tell you what to do, what to think and what to feel! Who drill you, diet you, treat you like cattle, use you as cannon fodder! Don’t give yourselves to these unnatural men—machine men with machine minds and machine hearts! You are not machines! You are not cattle! You are men! You have a love of humanity in your hearts! You don’t hate! Only the unloved hate; the unloved and the unnatural.

Soldiers! Don’t fight for slavery! Fight for liberty! In the seventeenth chapter of St. Luke, it’s written “the kingdom of God is within man”, not one man nor a group of men, but in all men! In you! You, the people, have the power, the power to create machines, the power to create happiness! You, the people, have the power to make this life free and beautiful, to make this life a wonderful adventure. Then in the name of democracy, let us use that power.

Let us all unite. Let us fight for a new world, a decent world that will give men a chance to work, that will give youth a future and old age a security. By the promise of these things, brutes have risen to power. But they lie! They do not fulfill their promise. They never will! Dictators free themselves but they enslave the people! Now let us fight to fulfill that promise! Let us fight to free the world! To do away with national barriers! To do away with greed, with hate and intolerance! Let us fight for a world of reason, a world where science and progress will lead to all men’s happiness.

Soldiers, in the name of democracy, let us all unite!

2013.

Life is good. It has always been good to me. Emotional breakdowns, tears, sudden mood swings,  disappointment. None of that matters anymore. I have gone through a set of unfortunate events last year, I am hoping this year would bring me luck. Though I believe luck has something to do with serendipity, it is not something I should be worried about because luck happens to be with you when you less think of it.

I have never wrote about my love life in this blog, I would love to write something about it but I personally think that the action of doing so is a little bit of - showing off. Not to say that I have the best love life ever but I believe everyone has their amazing stories waiting to be revealed. As for me, I am not ready to unveil the story I've been secretly hiding to myself. But yes, I am dating someone, in fact I've been dating him for quite some time.

I am very fond of long term relationships as I believe it brings out the best of oneself. And that feeling of being together with someone you love for a long time is beautiful, simply beautiful. (The thought of him sends shivers up to my spine.) I've been in the wrong relationship before, in fact every single one of us did, I regretted it but at least it taught me something out of it, which is to always have faith in yourself and it is always the better choice to depend on yourself and put less expectations from others. You've heard it a lot of times, it's getting old but it is definitely true. Never regret anything you did in the past, because it was what you wanted before so just keep calm and move on. Cover up the patches with laughter and smiles.

Deal With Your Disappointment

 

You can look at hate as an infinite escalator. An infinitely disturbed state of mind.
An escalator where no matter how you stand on it, will lead you to a devastating destination.

Hate often grows from irritation that originates from disappointment or fear. The disappointment with perhaps a lousy football referee, an unfair teacher or perhaps even the disappointment with oneself.

What you decide to do with your disappointment is what decides whether you’re good or evil. I believe that every human being has goodness inside them, some seemingly obvious whilst others have forgotten about it. But it’s there, and one must know how to return to this source of goodness.

Do not develop your disappointment to anger or hatred. Instead, try to go back to a source of inspiration, a picture from last years vacation, a book or a memory. Whatever it is that does so that you want to inspire others to inspire, is what every person should strive for. A global, positive inspirational virus is probably the only thing that can stop humanity from total devastation.

Learn how to deal with your disappointment, to learn how to love. Learn to inspire, so that others will inspire. For only in this way, will we one day perhaps live in pure harmony.

- Zdravko Stefanovic

To Forgive Someone Is Never Easy

You'll realize that being strong is the only choice you got.

I am out of words to say. But somehow, I need to let go of this feeling that I have been keeping for a long time. I don't know what I am gonna write, constantly pressing the "backspace" button. And still having no idea what to write about. Look at me now, blank expression - painted across my features. Sudden sorrows. Sad but I can't acknowledged what had caused this horrid feeling. Or wait, there is no need for a drama. Maybe it is PMS. Cliche.

Why can't I just write a normal post? You know, one of those posts where you'd write about random stuff such as "I bought new shoes" or "Oh Lord, I miss my boyfriend" etcetera. Haha. The main reason I exposed myself to writing is because I want to continuously remind myself on how good or how bad I am at expressing myself. I want to come back here, reading this and maybe tell myself in the future whether I have improved or have gotten from worse to worst. My mum has always encouraged me to be a writer so that when I grow a bit older, I can really make use of my spare time. I'd love to make that happen. Thank you for encouraging. Just do anything, and let it produce joy.

"Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body.” 

Walt Whitman.

Happy New Year

It's the 12th today. I've been joining dots since the year started and God, how I wish life would be as easy as joining up the dots and making lines. I am absolutely happy. It was such a wonderful feeling to end last year and begin a new one with loved ones. Things could have been better but my New Year's Eve was pretty amazing. I didn't kiss anyone when the clock strikes 12, I didn't even notice the fireworks! I missed it but all of that, it doesn't matter because at the end of the day, everything went smoothly. I am very thankful to those who made my 2012 meaningful.

There is no point making new resolutions, I can't even keep up with last year's. I am gonna make the best of the present and just do whatever I want, spontaneously. It makes me happier that way, I never really like planning things anyway. Well you see, the future is just a concept. You plan things but you can't really guarantee it will happen. It is just the way how you want things to be. There is no such thing as tomorrow. If it does exist, it will be called today or even yesterday. Time is always NOW, the present. That is one thing that we discover when we stop talking to ourselves and maybe stop thinking and wondering for a while. We'll find that there is only the present, an eternal now. For one moment, maybe we should just stop over thinking and cherish this little moment that we have now. Dance with the flow and just grab whatever that comes along the way. Stop worrying about what is going to happen because tomorrow is not here yet. And if you are worrying right now, why don't you create a better concept of how you want things to run. And stop whining, instead, make things happen.

I've been doing a lot of reading, inspirations are everywhere. Walt Whitman, Alan Watts, Lao Tzu and so on. I just want to be happy and I want the people around me to be happy as well. How you treat other people is a reflection of how you treat yourself, I've been holding on to that. And that is one thing that I will never regret. Well of course I hurt people a lot too and you have to know that holding grudges will not get you anywhere, why don't you just move on? Life is short. Really.