You know what is better than life? Death. Sometimes, I think that death is more beautiful than life. That's how the illustrator and movie directors picture it. But why? I don't know. Death here doesn't mean having yourself buried 7 feet below, but in terms of emotions. It left me wondering, how can a beautiful soul becomes so monstrous. It's conflicting. My soul is dead, it has been for a while now. I have died for a thousand times, but every time I "reincarnate", why am I still the same person, I am rotten inside.
I want to renew myself. The question is, how do you put yourself together when everyone around you seems to go anti-clockwise? The question is apparently written all over my face. Now, my heart is telling me that the world is against me. Conflict of the heart and mind. The only good thing that keeps me attached is my kids in school. Those pure and innocent hearts. Hmm. Alter-ego. Split personality. I should say to myself. Do you know why? Being at school with the kids; brings me peace, makes me feel welcomed. It feels like I am glowing with a halo on top, sort of. Then it all change after working hours. I'm a different person after 4. I don't even know what's happening to me.
They said, when you have lost your way, God will be there to help you. It's like a default advice when no words can comfort you, isn't it? I bet it is the safest advice someone can give when they don't know how to make you feel better. Common sense are very rare now, it is still out there but almost vanished. I have always encouraged my students to think rationally, and I am allergic towards people who blame other people for a reason which they both know that is irrelevant. Always point to yourself back. Giving advices are as easy as falling asleep, but it is as hard as to keep up with Math, (I hate Math).
It is always best to depend on yourself solely because at the end you don't have to thank anyone but you. It may sound a little self centered. Once, I surrounded myself with a bunch of selfish bastards which I thought they were my friends. But I was half correct, they were my passing friends. Friends I picked up during the 2 years in college. Everyone befriended someone for a reason back then. However, I am just trying to write something, just to spill everything out from this heavy chest. Today was a long day, it was one of the days that I wish to erase. I am now picking the bits of myself left on the ground and trying to make them coalesced into one.
