Finally 20

20 years old, 29th November

Raihanah Zainal Basri. The Libray@Curve

Can you believe it that time flies so fast, and now, I am sitting on this chair, thinking what is going to happen next. I am 20 and hopeless. Really? No, I'm still young. It's been a month since the last I updated this. I was on my semester break. Three weeks of enjoyment results in neglecting this blog. I don't really know what to say actually. I don't feel like sharing anything BUT I do feel that I have changed to a better person. Yeah, definitely. Alhamdulillah. 

Why Should We Care?

So what am I to you?

So, here I am, sitting on my bed. And continuously typing without knowing exactly what to write. As I scrolled down my dashboard, I realized I followed quite a number of fashion bloggers and then I came a across a post, it belongs to one of my friends. So I read it, why not? Clicked on the title link and it directed me to her page. So I began to read it, she said something about friends becoming strangers and so on. By the way, this has nothing to do with the writer of the blog. Take this as a general point of view, and no, I am not trying to find faults. It just reminds me of how good things USED to be.

In my opinion, what she said might be true, I said might. Friends, we need friends. It all depends on how you choose them. Some goes along well and some are not, once you get to know their true colors, you might want to leave them or stick together through thick and thin! I am tired of these so-called-dramas, we do need a bit of it to spice up our life, but too much of it, definitely it will bring tears to your eyes. And a broken heart. I have a few cases in which reminds me of how friends are the ones who kept you "alive". I still have. But some, nah, they come and go. You can't blame them, because some people are not meant to please each other. Fire and ice don't go well. If you want people to please you all the time, then perhaps you should enhance your sense of tolerance. I am not perfect, I make mistakes, I ignore people, I do a lot of hurtful things, I should say. 

Friends eventually will become strangers, unless you get along with them so well. And desperate to get some companion. So why should we care about having friends? Because they're the ones who bring fireworks to your life. Tolerate more, and soon you'll realize what you should have realized a long time ago. Don't blame others, but blame yourself first. Is making nice to others a solemn responsibility? I would say I have an alter ego, if I feel like being a total ass, oh please, accept me for who I am. HAHA. But I can be a total angel too.

Sigh. A friendship that once was so close now becomes just a vague memory. 

Read this

http://mawarmusfirahmohdamin.blogspot.com/2011/09/love-more-and-all-good-things-will-be.html

L.O.V.E.

I was 16 in this picture

Have you ever tasted perfection? Have you ever been loved? Well, of course. Everyone did. But recently, I asked a friend of mine, have you ever loved someone or been loved by someone? I was quite shocked when he said that he has never been loved nor loved someone. In this context, it means a lover, your partner. Everyone should experience how it’s like to love. I bet he must have his own reason, it’s a personal choice. I still love you mate, you’ll find the right one, it is just a matter of time.

When you’re growing up, you fall in and out of love with so MANY PEOPLE FOR SO MANY DIFFERENT REASONS. We never really stop to think about it, because by that point you’re already so wrapped up in lust with this “amazingly sweet, refreshingly new person” and the thought of them just never being there again is UNBEARABLE for us. Maybe if we really opened our eyes we’d actually have less to bitch and whine about after it all falls apart. But then again if we were so aware of our partners faults, we’d probably never have loved them in the first place, because love is blind after all.

I believe teenage love, is probably the most confusing, frustrating, and TERRIBLE thing to endure. It’s untamable and HURTS like hell! Yet at the end of the bullshit we put our young hearts through, it still was the most spectacular time in our entire lives. It was the only time that being in love was ever really be worth all that emotionally heartache and uncontrollable hopes of forever and always. Because when we were young and in LOVE we get to be free. Free on how we choose to love or who we choose to give our love to. And to be able to love without punishment is the most priceless thing there is in life. And life without love.. Blind or not; would just be a dull and uninteresting place wouldn’t it?

Have a good day everyone,

Mawar Amin

Bonding time with classmates.

I am so tired, had a long journey since Friday and my schedule has never been that hectic. We went places. To tell you the truth, this was my first after how many years, I actually “traveled”. Funny isn’t it? Or is it more to – pathetic. I captured lots of treasurable scenarios, memories to be kept, especially when it was my first time to spend the weekend with my classmates.

Four days with the eight of them – I can only tell you this, they are amazing. How I am surprised to see how much they care about each other and how much they tolerate. They will always be there to comfort your sorrows. This is the kind of friendship everyone should be jealous of. Well, I am sure you too, have a strong bond with your friends. A true friend should be compassionate, understanding, thoughtful and caring.  Obviously. They complete my life.

Have a good night everyone,

Mawar Amin

What They Think

“People think they know you. They think they know how you’re handling a situation. But the truth is no one knows. No one knows what happens after you leave them, when you’re lying in bed or sitting over your breakfast alone and all you want to do is cry or scream. They don’t know what’s going on inside your head — the mind-numbing cocktail of anger and sadness and guilt. This isn’t their fault. They just don’t know. And so they pretend and they say you’re doing great when you’re really not. And this makes everyone feel better. Everybody but you.”

—	William H. Woodwell Jr.

Lil Wayne - How To Love (Shazam Version)

This is actually the best from Lil Wayne. We should really appreciate life more because we're still young and we cannot predict what's gonna come in the future. The past should remain in the past. Yes, it did teach you a lesson, it makes you a better person but never let in get in your way. Always forgive yourself and others. You're beautiful, far from the usual and you deserve the best. Start living positive.

What I Needed

AHHHHH, my comeback! Finally, (as usual) after a few weeks of disappearance. I cannot recall when was the last time I updated this. Probably a month ago? I guessed so. So, the reason why I feel like writing again is because my life has been filled with many unpleasant moments lately. All those unnecessary dramas, all those ridiculous, irritating situations. But fortunately, everything ended pretty well. And I am ready to move on, I am relieved, I hope so. Thank God for a better life.

Basically, I am glad that everyone around me gives me full support, especially when I needed them the most. You are my life saver! I am finally breathing, literally. I'm currently sitting for my finals now, and I have 4 more papers to go, so far everything's fine. But I really have to put struggle since I dropped my pointer last semester. Sigh. 

It is TIME to put more effort in my studies.

There's another thing I wanna tell, I am at Cameron Highlands now :D Good bye!

Kiss this mermaid for me!

It Feels Nice

When you don't have to focus on anyone else but yourself. It feels nice being single. There's no turning back this time. It feels great. But no one knows exactly how I feel. But thank you for being such supportive friends, I'll be okay. 

Triple Zs

Smile while you can.

So basically this is another rant about sleep deprivation. I am in demand of some appropriate hours of  a good sleep, like seriously. Assignments are killing me and these past few days I've been sleeping at four or five in the morning, having to wake up early at eight. For Good God's sake, I need some sleep. Okay goodbye.

Love more, and all good things will be yours

Don't worry, you'll be okay

Funny isn't it, how one moment you guys were best friends, you guys were each other's crying shoulder. Funny isn't it when one moment you guys knew everything about each other, your deepest secret, shared together with your best friend. And funny isn't it because now you guys are perfect strangers from another past. What a waste, a beautiful friendship, ruined. What happened to feeling guilty?

Life. Humans. One moment you're up above the sky and the next minute, when you open your eyes, you're already lying on the ground, crushed. This is the vicious cycle of life, it's undeniable. Tell me, why is so hard for us to just let go of all the negative feelings and just start living positive? Why can't that thick wall of ego just vanished and never come back? What is the purpose of having people around you if you're gonna sit there alone and thinking why is life unfair? Please, stop thinking and for once, why don't you try work things out? Perhaps saying 'Hi' for a start? Trying is not a crime.

Some people might not realize they hurt you. But you, yes you, why don't we just forgive each other? Things will work out eventually. It's just a matter of time. Right? If you're gonna hate me for saying all these, please, think positive. It's for the good of us.

Don't live in the past, thinking about mistakes or changes you made. Think of your life as a book, move forward, close one chapter and open another. Learn from your mistakes, but focus on your future, not on your past. Everyone deserves a happy ending.

Another Baby I Want

I need to get a pair of new boots. I believe it is time for my Alexander Wang Frankie Creeper Boots to retire. So I found these lovely and super duper adorable Doc Marts Leopard Boots. Too bad I don't know where to get them. Any ideas anyone? I should check on e-bay perhaps . Talk to you guys soon.

Good night,

Mawar Musfirah

New Love

It is quite hard to say this but seriously I think I am falling for floral prints. Before I elaborate more, I would like to share with you guys about how I spent my day. Alright, first of all, I woke up at 8am, had a wonderful time in the toilet for almost half an hour. What is even bad than food poisoning? Last night (Thursday), I went to a dinner fully sponsored by my lame college and yeah, you can guess the agenda. Free food, second round, eat like a pig and the next morning - boooshhhhh. Dead. Good news is I have a presentation at 10am and another one is, everyone who went to the dinner got affected. Haha. My tummy hurts so bad but luckily it ended quick, phew. 

Back to the main point, I found this lovely Mary Jane today, definitely going into my wishlist and it reminds me of Miu Miu Spring 2010 Collection. And Forever 21 Floral Mary Janes. It's a combination of feminine yet classy, so this is a must-have!

But I still prefer this one even though it was from last year's collection

Not really floral, it's sparrow but still.. Classy.

Miu Miu Spring 2010

Optimist says it's Half Full

Instead of being such an emo bitch, I went through a "self-reflection" session early this morning. You know what, I am so grateful that I am ME. I read all my previous posts and I realized that I am such a grumpy person.I complain a lot. I want things to go my way. I am such a grandma, in a good way though? Well, I'm not perfect, far away from a perfectionist but in my very point of view, I think people should really appreciate themselves, duh. Some girls even starve themselves just because they want to be skinny. I am skinny. And I should be grateful rather than "I hate my thighs, they're so big and my legs are short, ugh!" Some people don't even have the chance to wear stylish clothes. And I should be grateful because I have more than enough. Not to say that I am stylish, the fact is - I have clothes that fits me well. Some people are short and my height is just nice, not too tall nor too short. Some people were born with straight hair, I was born with wavy hair. 

Some were born with imperfections, I was born perfect. So why should I be upset? 

I know why, because I know I can never be good enough for you.

Turns Me On Everytime

Asos Ablaze Super High Wedge, MUST HAVE

Picture Credit to theshoegirldiaries.blogspot.com 

So, it's been quite a long time since the last update about shoes. You all know I have this OCD about shoes. Name it, high heels, wedges, booties, flats whatever, I so need them, badly. I guess the last time I told you guys about how much I wanted Jeffrey Campbell Lita. I don't know why, but I can't stop from falling in love with it. Ah, there are so many shoes that I've been dying to try, including Giuseppe Zannoti's Leopard Wedge and also DSquared2 Skeleton Heels. Why is it so hard to this into reality? 

Never mind that, so I have added this super duper cute floral wedge into my wishlist, oh my, don't you find this perfect? It is beyond perfect. Plus, it comes in with leopard print design and a simple plain black too. AWW! Definitely a must-have. And I would collect one buck for every person that said "This shoe is tha sex babayh!" Oh yes, I'd be rich. Come on, agree with me, it IS the SEX!  

Life

Unisel, Lakeside Campus. Haha.

Looking at where I am right now, I can say that I've changed a lot. Attitude, appearance etcetera. I am not really happy. I forced myself a lot, extending my capabilities, I am trying so hard to live up to everyone's expectations. Why does it have to be like this? It's unfair, I guess maybe it is time for me to listen to my heart, oh wait, should have done that a long time ago. Ugh, why am I turning this blog into an emo blog? Crap.

The Most Important Thing Is To Be Loved

Yes.

I want to love someone whose heart has been broken, so that he knows exactly how it feels and won't break mine. This quote. I've been wondering why in the world some people are so damn heartless. Have you not get your heart broken? Because I did, in fact a few times, by the one I loved back then. Don't be ridiculous. Don't be such a bloody heartless person. Sometimes, people change because pain did that to them. Yes, it did. Sometimes people become who they are because of what had happened to them. Frankly said, I do not get the point where it is necessary or compulsory to break other people's heart just because your heart is broken. The reason is just not concrete enough, who taught you that? 

Charlie Sheen once said,

"The best way to not get your heart broken is pretending you don't have one"

So just pretend. It's worth trying. Thank You for being such a heart breaker.

Hey Ho

Calling me a bitch doesn't make you a saint.

Sometimes, when people call my name, I'd ignore them. Sometimes, when people say hi to me, I'd say hi back with a disgusted face. Sometimes, when people try to talk to me, I'd just walk away. Sometimes, I don't even feel like socializing. Sometimes, I feel like killing everyone around me. Shorten, sometimes I just wanna be left alone because I couldn't care less about what's happening around me. Everyone has to admit that they are all two-faced-backstabbing-bitch.

True, society killed us, in many ways possible. And we didn't even notice it, pity us much? Huh. We should. Stop being so judgmental, because you're not going anywhere with that so-called-useless-little-facts-of-yours. Okay? Just stop it. If you don't give a shit about my feelings, then why should I care about yours? This is NOT ego, and this is not revenge. This is how I want things to be. I'm pretty sure I am mature enough to make decisions for myself. And if I didn't meet your expectations, just go die, everyone will eventually. So no worries. And if you want to hate me because I treat you like shit, oh I'm sorry, do you think I was born to live up to your expectations? NO. Good.

Note to self: Sometimes, you gotta think of what's good for yourself and be selfish. Oh yeah.

Eid 2011

P/S I'm in love with the skirt! And of course, the irresistible JC Lita. Yummy! 

I haven't got the chance to share with you guys about this year's Eid. In fact, I totally forgot about it! Hows yours? Mine was OKAY. Not the best but I'd say this year is not as fun as last year's. I celebrated Raya at my dad's hometown in Muar. My cousins are all back except for those newly weds. Ah, including my sister and brother. They both celebrated Raya with their in laws. Never mind that.  I don't really know what to say actually, so basically, Raya is not as enjoyable as it used to be. And as we grow older, duit raya pun makin kurang eventually. That's the saddest part. Haha. Grow up Mawar!

Despite all that, I am grateful that I'm still alive to be able to taste another Ramadhan and Syawal. Eventhough I skipped a few days of fasting, intentionally or unintentionally, I am glad that I am still breathing and be able to finish everything that I started. And so is my family. Everyone is pretty much in the pink of health. To all of you out there, I am sorry. 

Let bygones be bygones.

Forgive me,

Mawar Musfirah

Yes, No, Maybe

P/S Skinny legs are so sexy, GRR

I don't know exactly what I am feeling right now. I am confused. It's a mixture of feeling lazy + wanting to do something and being the most unproductive human in the universe. I am bored or am I a boring person myself? SIGH. And I can't remember when was the last time I updated this pathetic blog of mine. I've been busy lately, I would kill (literally) to get some spare time for my hands to write something to at least share with you guys what I've been up to these past few days. As if I lead Paris Hilton's life. Gosh. 

Well, looking at the brighter side of life, I shall say, to make myself feel better, hmm, I bought a plaid jacket (more to a blazer actually) last Monday. I am not really excited about it, in fact I think the existence of the jacket in my closet is just a waste. A big one. I haven't touch it since the day I bought it. Ouch. I feel miserable every single time I came to think about it. Regrets. Yes, loads of them. Why did I purchase that? Whyyyy? Ugh. This is beyond frustrating. Indeed. 

I would love to show it to you guys but I just don't have the will to do so. That would require me to take photos of it, editing, and uploading it. Oh my, lack of energy, the momentum is just not there yet. Apology. And I am falling asleep now. I'm in desperate need of some quality sleep now because of my hectic schedule. Yea right. Another sad story of sleep deprivation. I wonder what my boyfriend's up to at this hour, I think I might give him a call. His voice would be lovely to hear before I begin my 10 hours journey to the world of fantasies. How cliche!

Have a great night readers. Remember, you are beautiful and no one can make you feel like you're not :)

Good night,

Mawar Musfirah

The Queen is Back

P/S I am definitely in love with DSquared2 Skeleton Heels. Perfecto. Must have!

And I command you to bow after me! Lol. Lame tactic fo sho. Hi everyone, how are you? I'm not so good, not in the pink of health and for that particular reason, I shall not be painting the town red tonight. Sigh, what have I become? An inordinately skinny bitch, oh my, you have no idea what I've been through, like seriously. Anyway, I just got back from the hospital and waited for my queue for about one and a half hours! Ah, the government! What do you expect from them? One more thing that pisses me off is that, while waiting for my turn, I received a message which is from Maxis (duh, who else), saying that 6% tax will be charged for every single topup. I was like, HOLY CRAP, why do you want more money? How clever, we're not pigs just so you know. 6% percent is fucking high and expensive! I'd spend 6% tax on FOOD and not to prepaids! Government, oh, you're a burden, not us. I wonder how the world would be like in the next 10 years, it saddens me a lot, especially when I need that 6% tax times to every single topup times for the next 10 years, no kidding, that's a LOT, I guess.

The word Government is very sacred actually, so I shouldn't be saying all that, geez, creepy. 

I'll talk to you guys later or maybe in a few weeks. Bye bye.

I need to practice ZEN.

P/S Quote for today. So inspiring.

Going back to college in 3 days and I am not excited at all. It's gonna be bloody hot over there. My skin is going to get burned. I need to buy a sunblock with SPF 3000++ To make it worse, I have a bloody medical check up every week because my weight is dropping. I weigh 38 kilograms right now. The doctor suspected that I have an eating disorder and I am quite upset because I don't want anybody to say that I'm an anorexic bitch. Blame this fever, its taking away all my appetite. Sigh. My love for food is now gone. And I don't even feel like drinking water. I just don't know what to do. I do know what to do but I can't do it. I just can't. I can feel my bones sticking out. And sometimes I have trouble breathing. It hurts so much. 

Stressful, and I really don't wannna go back to college because there are a bunch of judgmental cunts over there. I hate typical Malaysians. I hate college. I hate everything. But I love my life and I love those who never fail to make me happy. But somehow, I am dissapointed with myself. SIGH. Somebody please, tell me that I am worth having. I feel pathetic.

LIFE

Thats why they say "life begins at the end of your comfort zone" because when your life starts to fall apart, you will think of the things that you'll never think of

1. Apologizing because ego is more powerful than the word "sorry"

2. Grateful because greed takes over control when your life is lavish

3. God, as you forget that it is Him that made you happy and it is Him that you turn to when your life falls apart and it is Him that you blame when you didn't get what you want. 

Here's an example, imagine in 10 years, you're married and your kids won't listen to you. You said, "no, you can't go out, stay at home and study" and your kids will be like "you're being such a bitch right now!" and no matter how much you love your kids, you just have to punish them. 

Well, ask this to yourself, who created you? Who created your parents? The answer is obvious. It's God. The One and Only. So whatever happens in your life, when something starts to go wrong, don't blame God, blame yourself. Because God is trying to teach all of us a lesson. The above example is just a metaphore, the God is like your mother, when you make mistakes, your mother scolds you in order to teach you a lesson. So did God. They say "the heaven is placed under your mum's feet", yes, its true, respect your mother and you shall be placed in a place you can never imagine, a place which is better than a paradise. A place which places all the good people. 

Don't cry when your life starts to fall apart because there's always a reason why it happened in the first place. Apologize to those innocent heart you broke. Be grateful of what you have, you'll be a happier person. And always remember who created you and brought you to this world. 

Get A Life And Identity, Fix That Personality.

P/S This is lovely. Jessica Simpson Danny Shoes

While others are blogging just to impress, I blog just to express. While others are busy showing off what they did during their holidays, I am just going to keep it down low. Well, it's a personal choice so write whatever you want, tell your readers what they wanna hear. So now am I being judgmental? Hmm, I want to share with you guys a story. About someone who just can't stop copying other people. Sigh. You know what I mean. BUT here's a piece of advice, when you caught a person who constantly copying what you wear or like or even do stuffs that you like, you should be proud of yourself, you have successfully owned a minion/follower. It is not wrong to adore or be adored. Look at it this way, you're a role model.

Some might find it's intimidating. I have a few cases which I can probably relate to this. Most of my friends back then (when I was in high school) they kept on saying that this particular person bla bla bla copies me blablabla. Yeah yeah, I totally feel you mate and I know it sucks. It sucks because that particular person don't really talk to you and sometimes ignores you and stuff and yet they wore the same clothes as you did, or even have common interest with you. Annoying much? Why bother?

So in my opinion, this kind of people actually adores you and they might be a little jealous of you and eventually when they are annoyed with your existence, they will say mean stuffs about you, things that are not right. They are actually intimidated by your existence but deep in their heart, they're praying to be just like you but you see, that thick wall of ego ruins everything. But sometimes, admirers can be very adorable too :) It's like they're your motivators. They look up to you, look forward to what you're gonna wear, aww, I think that's cute. At one point it is kind of like a compliment. At another point it's more like a stalker. Creepy much. Well, I'd give a ten to my own theory, thank you.

Whatever, that is not what I am trying to pull here (REALLY?). Actually, the story, it is more to something that I have been thinking for a very long time and it kinda made me wonder why in the world people are so busy judging other people, in other word, judgmental. Yeah, its a very strong word indeed. And it got me thinking why people just can't leave you alone, leave you to whatever you wanna do. Hell yeah, it's your life and somehow people seemed to be so damn interested with your life. There's always something wrong, people just can't get enough of you, if you're the type who likes to dress up, those morons will say "Oh, here goes budak gedik, konon style" and so on. You see, here's a very nice quote for you

"When people are trying to bring you down, that could only mean one thing - you are above them"

It's true. EVERY TIME a bitch or whoever that is, trying to bring me down, tear me apart, I forced myself to think that there are no better reasons than this - you're trying to bring me down because I am so much better than you. DUH.


Get a life and identity, fix that personality.

Note to self: Be glad when someone admires you enough to want to be like you. that doesn't happen often.

Please Read This.

Alexander McQueen, legend

FINALLY, after two weeks of disappearance, I got the will to share with you guys the story of my so-called-amazing-life. It's 3 in the morning and by the time I finished typing, it might be 4 am so I guess I'll sleep like I haven't sleep for months after this. I just feel like taking a break. Too many things happened and the truth is, I don't even know where to begin.

These past few days, I've been "stalking" my so-called-friends. Stalking is a strong word, I'd say - "intense research". Well, I know it's unnecessary for me to write about this but I read what they wrote, I even tried to imagine what it's like to walk in their shoes. I tried imagining all that. Oh, what a bad friend I am, talking behind their back. And truth is, no one even cared about how I feel. I don't know, some of you might say 'Yes, I do care" or some might say "Oh, bitch please.."

Hmm, I'm not perfect, I can't make you like me, I can't please you, I can't, okay, I can't. If you don't like me, say it, don't just pretend because your act is a failure. I can see it deep in your eyes. And don't ever blame me if I treat you wrong. Hate me hate me hate me. You're the only troubled friend I have! And I hope you're reading this. I was gentle enough, but you, you chose the wrong option. I feel sorry for you. Bitching over the internet is not acceptable. I don't wanna be like you; talking shit about peeps around you, but since you don't wanna confront me, and be a gentlewoman, I just need to say something;

Thank you for talking behind my back!

Good night!

I am a sinner, forgive me for what I have sinned for.

TRUE.

I made a mistake, a very big one indeed. Should have just kept it to myself. You and you, have the right to disrespect me. I am giving you the permission to do so. This is not right, I over-analyzed things. And hurt other peoples' feelings. Sigh. It is best for me to go, away from each and one of you.

 I am a sinner, and will always be one.

To The Chosen Ones

P/S How I wish I could turn back the time and restart all over again

I want to apologize. I've been bad, I've been acting so bad, or whatever you wanna call it, I just want to say sorry. I've been thinking about how I misbehaved these few days, during our friendship and I came to a point where I think everyone around me is annoyed with my existence, my dirty talk and stuff, you get it. I just want to start everything from scratch. It is quite hard to ditch the bad habits but I will try my best. I am no good. I bitch a lot.

But people just dont know what I feel inside. 

If bitching about me makes you feel better, then go ahead. If you think that I am not worth your attention, then ignore me. If you think that I am a slut, hate me, tell your friends. Think or say whatever you want, but I am just gonna be me.

Aku tak perasan cantik. I just walk with confidence so that my enemies wont see me sweat. So that my admirers will adore me so that those bitches pee in their pants. Say whatever you want, you don't know what I feel inside. Inside, my heart beats a thousand times faster. Inside, my lung is screaming out loud. Inside, I just want things to end quickly nor end things quickly. You don't know exactly what I feel because you only see what I choose to show you. And if you dare say things about me because I, Mawar Amin do not talk about you unless you mess with me. Please, if I rarely talk to you, that doesn't mean I am badmouthing you. Okay? I have other stuffs to talk about. Call me uncool or whatever, I don't give a damn. This is my way to keep my friends. But think, hows your way to keep yours?

Please, I am not even an inch worried about your existence.  Sorry.

This is an essay, a confession. If you've come to this point, I just want you to know that I've been through a lot. And I know you did too. I've learned from my mistakes and don't you ever think that you're better than me because we are both the same. 

I am so sorry for doing an entry like this. Goodbye. 

Happy Fathers' Day

 

Mohd Amin b. Omar

 

Happy Father's Day Papa. I love you so much and I am sorry for every single tear that dropped because of me. I was young and naive. Now I have become more mature and respected you more than before.

Thank you for sending me money when I needed them. Thank you for paying every single thing that I asked you to pay for. Thank you for everything. I know money cannot buy us happiness but I know, the bond between us will never be burned.

You're the best. 

No Title Because I Feel Empty.

In another world, I wanna be a bird. Reincarnation.

I, sometimes feel like leaving everyone behind, running away from everything, I just want to be somewhere far, isolated, so that no one can know how much my heart hurts, so that no one can see my tears nor for what I fear. I am frustrated, and it has been for a while. 

Lonely Girl

Allie and Noah. The Notebook, 2004.

Lately, I felt horrible. Can you help me? How to get rid of this feeling? Its a mixture of feelings, I can't really describe it.All my life, I wish to find someone who understands what I've been through, understands how its like to be a girl, understand my worries, knows what I fear, or to wipe my tears whenever I cried. I wish to find someone who accepts my past, to accept me as who I am and to never judge me in everything I do.

I guess I found my Prince Charming but I am worried if I am not his Cinderalla.

Lady Gaga - Judas

Ohohohoh
I’m in love with Judas

Ohohohoh
I’m in love with Judas

Judas! Judaas Judas! Judaas
Judas! Judaas Judas! GAGA

When he comes to me I am ready
I’ll wash his feet with my hair if he needs
Forgive him when his tongue lies through his brain
Even after three times he betrays me

I’ll bring him down, bring him down, down
A king with no crown, king with no crown

[Chorus]
I’m just a Holy Fool, oh baby he’s so cruel
But I’m still in love with Judas, baby
I’m just a Holy Fool, oh baby he’s so cruel
But I’m still in love with Judas, baby

Ohohohoh
I’m in love with Judas

Ohohohoh
I’m in love with Judas

Judas! Judaas Judas! Judaas
Judas! Judaas Judas! GAGA

I couldn’t love a man so purely
Even prophets forgave his crooked way
I’ve learned love is like a brick you can
Build a house or sink a dead body

I’ll bring him down, bring him down, down
A king with no crown, king with no crown

[Chorus]
I’m just a Holy Fool, oh baby he’s so cruel
But I’m still in love with Judas, baby
I’m just a Holy Fool, oh baby he’s so cruel
But I’m still in love with Judas, baby

Ohohohoh
I’m in love with Judas

Ohohohoh
I’m in love with Judas

[Bridge]
Ew
In the most Biblical sense,
I am beyond repentance
Fame hooker, prostitute wench, vomits her mind
But in the cultural sense
I just speak in future tense
Judas, kiss me if offenced,
Or wear an ear condom next time

I wanna love you,
But something’s pulling me away from you
Jesus is my virtue,
Judas is the demon I cling to
I cling to

[Chorus]
I’m just a Holy Fool, oh baby he’s so cruel
But I’m still in love with Judas, baby
I’m just a Holy Fool, oh baby he’s so cruel
But I’m still in love with Judas, baby

Ohohohoh
I’m in love with Judas

Ohohohoh
I’m in love with Judas

Judas! Judaas Judas! Judaas
Judas! Judaas Judas! GAGA

Simple. And Bloody Tanned

Just a quick update. Okay, goodbye ;)

 

Last year, Yana's birthday at Epong's.

I need to have a life. Now I realized that I don't have much friends (I am very bad at keeping in touch). I am leading a pathetic life. FUCK. Eat sleep internet all day, anti-social. Yes, you can call me that. 

Graveyard.

When I Was Young

Looking at where I am right now is definitely the happiest thing. Yeah, home, with my family. But happy doesn't mean that I am happy inside. I hide lots of things, I don't show my feelings, and when somebody asked me, hey, are you okay? I said I'm totally fine. I have super supportive friends, and I hope they're more than just friends, someone that I can trust.

I was a few days old when my parents sent me off to my grandparents. So, when I was a kid, I didn't really know them. I have never seen them nor have talked to them. I didn't really know how to love and I forget how it's like to be loved. Every time they went to visit me, I just ran away, I was scared, I'll cry my heart out. Its like there were no connection between my parents and I. No positive vibe, at all. And when I was seven years old, finally, I get the chance to stay with them, here, in where I am now. Things didn't go well with my sisters and life was quite hard to adapt. My attitude completely changed. I miss my grandmother, she died two years ago and the last time I saw her was like 5 to 6 years ago. I feel bad, of course. I owe her a lot. And I didn't even have the chance to say how much I loved her. 

And I'm sitting here at this very moment, thanking God for giving me a chance to live healthily and be grateful. My life isn't so bad so why should I be sad? If I were given one wish, just one, I'd use it to travel back in time and make things right. Too bad, miracles don't exist, only if you're lucky enough.

Now, I am 20 and I am not proud of my childhood. I don't have a nice memory of it, all I want is to start over, begin a new chapter. I want to forget my past, I wish I could but no one can because your past is what made you today, right at this moment. My past haunts me, and I just wish that it'll stop haunting me but it can never stop. It's my very own dark shadow and will always be. I wouldn't blame anyone but myself.