Beautiful.

 Will you still love if I am no longer young and beautiful?

I've seen the world

Done it all, had my cake now

Diamonds, brilliant, and Bel-Air now

Hot summer nights mid July

When you and I were forever wild

The crazy days, the city lights

The way you'd play with me like a child

Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful

Will you still love me when I got nothing but my aching soul

I know you will, I know you will

I know that you will

Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful

I've seen the world, lit it up as my stage now

Channeling angels in, the new age now

Hot summer days, rock and roll

The way you'd play for me at your show

And all the ways I got to know

Your pretty face and electric soul

Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful

Will you still love me when I got nothing but my aching soul

I know you will, I know you will

I know that you will

Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful

Dear lord when I get to heaven

Please let me bring my man

When he comes tell me that you'll let me

Father tell me if you can

Oh that grace, oh that body

Oh that face makes me wanna party

He's my sun, he makes shine like diamonds

Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful

Will you still love me when I got nothing but my aching soul

I know you will, I know you will

I know that you will

Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful

Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful

Will you still love me when I'm not young and beautiful

Next week will be the second week of my career. My teaching career. It takes nearly half a year after a lot of doubt and uncertainty. But also so much motivation and drive. I was jobless for half a year, I felt really hopeless back then. And good things come to those who wait, isn't it true, but it takes hard work too. You can't expect things to magically happen if you just sit back and relax. I got rejected by a few companies and luck was on my side this time. I spent the night before crying because I was unsure of myself. I wasn't sure if I can nail this. It was a part of me hesitating whether I should accept the challenge or just walk away, running my life like I used to. Then I thought that; in order to keep forward is to grab anything that's in front of your eyes. Any chances or opportunities. I am not an under achiever. And I shall not be one. Opportunities doesn't come often. So why waste it?

I feel really unstimulated. I feel that my brain isn't functioning the way it should be. Being at home isn't mentally challenging at all and obviously it isn't interesting enough. I am completely zombified. That's the best word to use. I do not have enough interesting content in my life to discuss much of anything interesting. My life was plain.

Life is pretty much interesting now, though I am not used to waking up early in the morning at 6. But I can finally use my brain after so long. I hibernated for too long. The first week was really tiring and stressful. Who knows handling kids can be a pain in the ass. But despite that, they gave me joy as well. It was such a wonderful feeling to get something in return when you teach them. You know you're a proud teacher when your students understand what you are trying to teach, such a relief! I could not be happier. If you love what you're doing, don't worry, you're blessed.

I have never thought about getting into this profession, I hated school back then, I skipped classes and I never finished my homework etcetera. But look at me now, I think no teachers would believe this! Thank you mother for motivating me. Always be thankful. Always.

You know what is better than life? Death. Sometimes, I think that death is more beautiful than life. That's how the illustrator and movie directors picture it. But why? I don't know. Death here doesn't mean having yourself buried 7 feet below, but in terms of emotions. It left me wondering, how can a beautiful soul becomes so monstrous. It's conflicting. My soul is dead, it has been for a while now. I have died for a thousand times, but every time I "reincarnate", why am I still the same person, I am rotten inside.

 I want to renew myself. The question is, how do you put yourself together when everyone around you seems to go anti-clockwise? The question is apparently written all over my face. Now, my heart is telling me that the world is against me. Conflict of the heart and mind. The only good thing that keeps me attached is my kids in school. Those pure and innocent hearts. Hmm. Alter-ego. Split personality. I should say to myself. Do you know why? Being at school with the kids; brings me peace, makes me feel welcomed. It feels like I am glowing with a halo on top, sort of. Then it all change after working hours. I'm a different person after 4. I don't even know what's happening to me.

They said, when you have lost your way, God will be there to help you. It's like a default advice when no words can comfort you, isn't it? I bet it is the safest advice someone can give when they don't know how to make you feel better. Common sense are very rare now, it is still out there but almost vanished. I have always encouraged my students to think rationally, and I am allergic towards people who blame other people for a reason which they both know that is irrelevant. Always point to yourself back. Giving advices are as easy as falling asleep, but it is as hard as to keep up with Math, (I hate Math).

It is always best to depend on yourself solely because at the end you don't have to thank anyone but you. It may sound a little self centered. Once, I surrounded myself with a bunch of selfish bastards which I thought they were my friends. But I was half correct, they were my passing friends. Friends I picked up during the 2 years in college. Everyone befriended someone for a reason back then. However, I am just trying to write something, just to spill everything out from this heavy chest. Today was a long day, it was one of the days that I wish to erase. I am now picking the bits of myself left on the ground and trying to make them coalesced into one. 

Never go overboard when you praise someone. You'll be pretty disappointed at the end.

There is a difference.

Do you know that feeling when you realized that you can never be good enough for someone? I felt devastated when I came to think about it. It's like everything you did was pointless no matter how hard you tried, you always came back to being let down, again. I tried to be optimistic, but these negatives vibes are  building up a thick wall inside. How to get rid of this feeling?

It is actually a good thing to remind yourself of who you want to be. There's a saying, "Be the type of person you want to meet". Can't you see it? I'll leave that for you think. The rules of life are very simple. Basically it is karma, and maybe karma is hitting on me since the very beginning but I was too blind to realize. If today wasn't a good day, there is still light at the end of everything. Everyone has their own principles slash philosophy, the way they view life differs from one another. Different people means different perspective. And for me, I strongly believe that; what came out from your mouth, proceeds from the heart. Kalau solat 5 waktu satu hari, but still your are defiled by the words you say, dayyum. I don't know where you did wrong. I am not a saint nor pious. I make mistakes everyday, but life is too short to wake up with regrets.

I hate finding faults, cause it is clearly stated that to be happy and find inner peace is you have to let go of all the grudges you've been holding inside. I think it's eating me back slowly. I have always been quiet and this emo blog of mine is the only place where I can say anything I want, and if I get judgments from what I said, then I am truly sorry for you. Have you tried expressing yourself? And when you do, please do tell me how it feels like. It feels like you've just lifted one hundred kilos of weight from your shoulders. No one likes extra complications.

Egoism or in a simpler term; selfishness, it runs in the blood. Though it depends solely on individuals but I think if you've been raised with a surrounding like that, eventually you'll get used to living on your own, not caring about others. I am not a little kid anymore, I understand sarcasm and the message behind it. Growing up to different surroundings from time to time opens up my mind, I have my own point of view about everything. And to force someone like me to do something that I know I won't pour my heart doing it, is unfair. Lopsided. Do you think it's reasonable to do that? Anyhow, being pessimistic isn't going to make things better. Life as you know it, a vicious cycle. It's inevitable.

Sweet.

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you.

When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful.

There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever.

Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby.

Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible.

You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

Bob Marley