Sad.

And then I thought, maybe I am better off alone. Because I keep on hurting everyone around me. But that would be unfair because no one realized how much I have bruised inside. What choice do I have? We were born to please others isn't it? And I shall do that.

School.

I came across a quote; maturity is not when we start speaking big things, but it is when we understand small things. How many of you agree that age doesn't define maturity? And what does it take for someone to have that special kind of manner that makes them think and behave so appropriately? Anyone, at any age reaches maturity when the time comes. A turning point. I spent at least 8 hours, 5 days a week at school, I hear different stories from each of my kids. I observe them, I "read" them and I was touched by some of them. They are unique in their own ways. Each of them is different, and the way they think or solve problems differ from one another. As a teacher, having a class with multiple intelligences is like solving a never ending puzzle. Very exciting but definitely the bane. Some days are slow and boring but some days are vice versa. And some days are so delightful, it gladdens your heart. Ahhh, the whole enchilada, you get what I mean.

I have never actually done this before; asking people to consider teaching. I believe that entering into the profession should come out of your own will. I may not have as much experience as the veteran teachers but what I assure you is that, everyone can teach or should teach but not everyone can be a teacher. What I meant was, it's okay if you can't teach them the subjects in schools but there is still part of you that can teach a kid something. For example, mannerisms, road signs, parts of a car maybe, simple math and a few other things. Teach them something that they won't forget or things that they do not learn from school. I mean, teach them something proper. Trust me, they'd thank you more than they would thank the teachers in school. What's the harm? You were once a kid too. And my eyes are half closed, I'm pretty sure there's a Grammar Nazi somewhere correcting.....zzzzz.

True Horror

The most terrifying thing that has ever happened to me is falling in love. I’ve heard all the songs, seen all the movies, and read all the books that proclaim love to be the most cherished; emotion, idea, object in the universe. In these poor representations of love you get to see it all, including the minor heartbreak that is eventually resolved…or not. I don’t believe people will ever understand how vulnerable love makes you feel until you are truly in love. You go into a relationship knowing full and well that at any moment this person who you are bat-shit crazy about can destroy your life, change who you are, and kill your belief in happiness. Dramatic, right? No. 

This feeling of utter euphoria always has the dull lead lining of the possibility of complete heartbreak. If you don’t see this as a possibility, well hell, maybe you aren’t a terrible cynic like me. But whether you can anticipate it or not… nothing will ever prepare you for how broken you will feel. Knowing the person you love and wanted to spend your life with is going to part ways from you and you can’t change it. Thinking about this all scares the shit out of me. It’s why I’ve never truly loved. It is also why now, while I am in love, cannot allow myself to fully let myself be all in it. Love is too terrifying. It is more frightening than anything I have ever experienced. I have yet to experience true heartbreak and if I never do, I will consider myself richer than any man or woman. I am in love and I am terrified. 

Re-blogged from somewhere. And I have to agree with it. Love is actually painful if you mishandle it.

Inbox.

Hey, I have to say this but don't judge me cause really, I hate being an officious person. This is my observation, I do feel sometimes you punish yourself because of the past which I have zero idea what's in your mind, maybe I added you cause god wants me to be the middle person to pass you this message, I don't know, haha. And sometimes I feel like you are holding something heavy on your chest, no matter what Mawar, good things will come slowly, god is fair/almighty..with your love life, I can't say anything. So as for babies they have to crawl before eventually they start walking, so are we..which in life we have to solve problems, and we live to solve problems, the coward will run.. and look at yourself, a teacher and that's nobility, in fact if the kids understands what you are teaching/telling, it's a bonus to you and those little rascals and Islam already mentioned 'ilmu yang ditinggalkan'.. so be proud and which I'm not saying you are not, this is just a saying from me, I'm no one, a stranger that wants to help.

I was speechless when I read this, I count it as an act of care though it is from someone I barely know. In fact, it opened my eyes. I haven't been enjoying myself since I started working. I did have fun but it doesn't last long. Sometimes I ask myself, am I teaching the kids for the love of the profession or for the sake of filling my pocket? I don't know. I wanna start fresh tomorrow, be more lively and start sorting out what my priorities are (I should have done that ages ago).