Twisted. Tangled.

 

"Optimism? No, none. I only want to express the black part of me, the part of me that's twisted. When something is fun, it's fun for only that moment, right. But the bad things, the pain, we bring with us for days. And depending on how deep the wound, we might not be able to forget for a year or two. First off, its impossible for anyone to sustain fun for two years. In short, I have no interest in expressing the ethereal."

— Kyo (Dir en grey)

I have always wondered how it's like to always have a pocket full of dough. Will it bring me happiness?  Money can't buy happiness, that's what they said. Come on, it's bullshit. We're a decade past millennium, things have changed. But sometimes, it is not lavish that we want, but we long for something that of course, money cannot buy. If you can purchase love and peace, I'm sure the world would be a better place. Wouldn't it?

Never depend on something to make you happy but instead, be that something and make yourself happy. Happiness is contagious. Unless you're a motherfucker.

I was a bit productive today. A. Bit.
And I have a lot of questions in my mind.
I don't know which to talk about.
Maybe, you.

I wonder how much I mean to you. Maybe I shouldn't be doubtful because I know I am worth it, but I can't help but think about it. Do you love me for who I am? Do you just fall in love with me when you first saw me? Or do you actually fall in love with the small details that I don't even realize? Things that happened in the past annihilated me, I am not the person who I used to be. All the bruises and scars grew and no one was trapped inside but me, trapped inside this self-made cage of a black past. That is where I've been residing. How melancholic. Who I was doesn't matter anymore, I am proud of what I have become now.

I gave up on love once and thought about turning homo. But no, what the actual fuck. Thank God, I managed to put some sense on my mind. 

I have grown, and it is sad to stomach that I am ** years old this year. I have grown to an age where right at this point, I am starting to have a different perspective towards everything. I want to keep on challenging my mind. I always do. There is only one thing that is constant; CHANGE. People change. Everything goes into a different direction after some time, nothing stays the same. It resembles our heartbeat; up, down and it goes flat for eternity. Sedih.

And maybe one day, you're not mine anymore.

Do I have to elaborate? I don't think so.
Because,

I love you.

And I don't wanna talk about losing you.

I am on my bed, staring at the empty wall on the other side of the room every now and then. Wondering what to write this time. Promised that I'd write something worth reading to myself. Sigh. My mind is empty, and I paused for every single word I typed. Then I wonder how peculiar can life be, so full off odd moments and it's nothing like a white canvas.

Sometimes, it is better to just isolate from everything else, leave everything behind and just let your own shadow be your companion, but as it gets darker, even your shadow leaves you. What do you do? So the option is to depend on yourself. As much as I hate depending on others, that's how much I long to lean on someone's shoulder and let myself drown in the comfort of feeling safe and secure. Nothing can beat that. Good companion. Everyone needs someone special in their life, it's a matter of finding the right one or getting your heart crushed. Whatever it is, the journey of love always gets us tangled in situations that we can't foretell.

I find that choosing the right clique can be a life savior, it is very important because it moulds you into who you are as a person. You keep on wondering how to get a better life but look at you, smoking pot all day long, get high in the smokes, wandering around floating in the world of fantasy. You keep on wondering how to be better in life but all you did was drinking all night long, getting hammered every single night. Waking up with a bad hangover. You keep on wondering how to be a better person, but who do you surround yourself with? 

These kinds of statements made me wonder. Time for a reality check. Who do I surround myself with?

Introvert.

Freedom. 

I was actually a bit productive today and I shall go mad through lack of sleep because I slept pretty late last night and having to wake up early in the morning. So today I've made a conclusion. A distinct one. I've said it many times in the previous posts, but now I feel like emphasizing it again, I want to remind you again. Just a friendly reminder. Those who are happy doesn't depend on anything or anyone to make them happy but instead they are thankful for everything they have. Typing that, makes me happy.

The simple things in life can be enjoyed if you just take the time to feel it from your soul, not just from your bare eyes. Stop locking yourself. Maybe happiness is too subjective. I somehow forgot how to unfold my feelings, I always have this sudden urge to write but then it started to become horizontal, so flat like I don't know where this would go so I just have to follow the flow and see where this heads to. I miss that feeling when you know exactly what you want to say and you just keep on typing unfolding feelings and turn them into words. Such a relief. But I forgot how to do that. Maybe I don't see things in a different perspective anymore, maybe I am buried deep in the ground, digesting the dirt that the world has given me. Literally. Or maybe I am loss for words like I always do.

Another pointless post but actually what do you really think when you read this blog? We cannot run away from judgments, that's reality, one thing that we cannot avoid. Maybe I am afraid of the judgments that I may receive for what I write. Probably that's why I don't go around promoting this emo-blog of mine. I may not have the most welcoming, angelic face in the whole wide world but there is a high chance that you will get to know me more if you just scroll down, reading lines by lines.

I have become an introvert. I only talk when I want to; I talk about the things that intrigues me, something that I am interested in. I have become so overly attached with my cocoon, so comfortable in my own comfort zone. But despite that, I am absolutely comfortable being "shy" if you think I am. All I need is a reason to interact, that's it. I have a weakness. Do you know what it is? It is honesty. I just don't give two shits about what you think. Haha. Apologies. I hope I can say that to someone, but I can't. But don't get me wrong, I can be bubbly too, that's another side of me, which not everyone has the chance to see. Because I only value those who are close to me. I can say that I'm a good listener too because I expect people to treat me the same. But one of these days, I at times wish someone would care enough to take the risk of knowing me a little deeper beneath my outer surface. Then I figure, introverts are very much like caterpillars, so dull, monotonous, prosaic whatever you call it. But once you get to know them stage by stage, you'll realize how beautiful they are, just like butterflies. Perasan.

Turning 21 seems to be the biggest deal of someone's life. I couldn't be more excited than this. "This" refers to the feeling of literally achieving "freedom" and the chance of making decisions on your own. Well, I am still living with my parents, that doesn't make that much of a difference. The truth is, I am upset to face the reality. I am officially 21, old enough to not achieve anything spectacular. 2013 would obviously make me 22 (based on the year I was born in) and my glorious 21 lasts for about a month. It's a small deal but somehow I feel like shit yo! Is it because I'm growing old and yet, I haven't decided what I'm gonna do with my life OR I'm just too afraid to know what's gonna happen to me in the future. Overthinking is my favorite thing to do.

Well, I know we are supposed to make the best of the present but I don't think it is wrong to worry about the future ahead of us. I know a quote, "If you're depressed, then you're living in the past. If you're happy, you're living in the present. If you're anxious, you're living in the future" Do you agree? I would have to agree with it, because it's simply the truth. If life gives you shit, then you gotta make use of it, the best possible way! I am happy with who I am now. But not that excited about what I'll possibly be in 20 years or 30. Or even 5 years. But the future is not here yet, so why am I getting myself effed up? I am sorry, but this is how I motivate myself. Work hard and soon, all good things will be yours. I demand for a new Zen book for my birthday, anyone? Please?

How I spent my 21st birthday was not bad at all. I had dinner with my close friends and also had a birthday shout out from everyone, more to a surprise. Not gonna tell you the whole story, to make it short, I had fun! Thank you all for caring. Birthday presents are not that important, I can indulge myself with presents anytime I want! What matters the most is the effort. Without effort, nothing would work or could have worked.

Whatever it is, being 21 is actually a new chapter for me. A new starting point. I want to do something good for myself, I want to always be happy and also make others happy. You know you can't always live up to everyone's expectations but you can always live up to your own expectations. Do whatever that you're good at, make the best of it (stealing, killing etc doesn't count). If you don't know what are your capabalities, start imagining what would your life be like in 20 years. It should motivate you. Look at your surroundings, do you wanna be like them? Yes or no, you gotta work for it. Lead your life.

Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up the pain and makes you feel okay again. 

I haven't been posting much about my daily routines now because I find it pointless to write something that I already know nobody gives a shit about it. But however, I woke up with a bit of cold this morning. I am ill with all the worry, too weak to write much and nobody has noticed I haven't eaten for two days. Today was the most terrible day of 2013. Every single one in the family got affected by PMS sort of. And my father is in a bad mood, as usual. Probably because of his health condition but all is well. I guess Mondays will always suck. As for me, got myself into a little fight with my niece, she aimed her bottle straight to my face, resulting in bodily injury, tragic I tell you. Just a bruised forehead. Chill.

There are so many things happening right now. I don't know how am I supposed to keep track of everything but insyaAllah, everything will be fine. I don't want to dream anymore, I don't want to imagine things in my head. But things don't just magically happen if you don't start from scratch. Right?

Soul. Mate.

Can I ask you something? Why is it every time we say goodnight, it feels like goodbye? Is it because of we enjoyed talking to that particular person and at one point, we find it hard to let them go? Or is it because we love their companion? No ones knows the exact answer, but I can only be sure of one thing, you probably have fallen in love with that person. We've been living for decades or at least 2 decades now, falling in and out of love has been something really normal for us. Some got friendzoned, some got their asses dumped, some even cheated, and despite all that, there is still someone out there who caters all you need, understands what you truly feel and having that mutual feeling with your partner is one thing you should treasure. 

Not everyone can cherish what they have, not until they've lost all the goods things in front of em. Changing partners seems to be in trend at one point, it's like fashion. But once you grow older, love has gotten much more deeper. There is no time to fool around because you know how it feels like to have your heart broken. It hurts isn't it when someone you adored, stabbed you right in the heart. How mean, but you are still longing to be loved.

This is probably a pointless post, but somehow, I have never felt so surreal, everything is beautiful. It's like I am putting my steps on the ground for the very first time. Perhaps because I see the goods in people instead of the negatives. Though sometimes the demons come out to play and project my darker side, that's why for every sin you did, cover it up with a good deed. Not a very good advice I guess?  Appreciate the ones you love. And thank God.